SPOILER ALERT: Eventually it all turns out well.
There must be something wrong with me.
That’s the unconscious belief I grew up with. It wasn’t part of my rational thought process, yet it was there, lurking beneath the surface and driving much of my behavior.
Looking back with the knowledge that I’ve garnered over the decades of practicing holistic healing and studying the body-mind-spirit connection, I can see how it was installed during my formative years, before I had the cognitive awareness to argue that it’s utter nonsense.
The choices I made as a child for navigating this belief system were nearly as damaging as the belief itself. I was afraid to express myself or to be seen, hell, I was afraid to even sense that I had needs, let alone to do something about them. I swallowed my feelings and tried to be invisible.
This constant fear did a number on my nervous system, causing me to be perpetually hyper vigilant, jumpy, tense and shut down emotionally. It steadily eroded my life-force and gut health and ushered in chronic back pain. Without the energy or nutritional building blocks to repair the damage, chronic anxiety mixed with depression and fatigue set in. Without the awareness of what was really happening, all I knew was that I was extremely uncomfortable almost all the time and had no tools for handling this.
Naturally I turned to dulling and numbing these feelings and sensations with whatever was at hand. Books were my first escape strategy. Later came overeating and sweets, later still alcohol and pot, and co-dependent and dysfunctional relationships. Let’s not forget the people-pleasing and perfectionist tendencies, poor boundaries and overgiving, overspending, and attempting to micromanage everything.
Perhaps the worst of all? The betrayal of self to keep everyone else comfortable.
I did it all with stoicism, pretending that everything was fine and I was in control of my life.
I was not.
Through a bizarre set of “coincidences”, I found myself in a Reiki workshop one weekend in 2002. Little did I know that this was a pivotal moment in my life and that my trajectory would be forever altered.
I wasn’t yet aware of the complete absence of wellness in my life, but I instantly noticed a shift in the way I felt. I was less tense, less anxious, more at home in my body and the pain in my back decreased noticeably.
That was enough for me to carry on with my daily Reiki practice, slowly uncovering layer upon layer of wounds and scabbed over psychic infections that were poisoning me from the inside out. Over time, my nervous system became regulated more often than not and I was able to find a sense of ease and belonging that had eluded me my entire life. I kept at it, healing whatever rose to the surface rather than pushing it back into the archives of buried emotions.
I felt increasingly better physically and emotionally, and my confidence and self-worth gradually grew. I began to get in touch with my innate creativity and to experience more joy, peace, and dare I say, even pleasure.
I developed the curiosity, compassion and courage necessary to do the inner exploration and discovered the core belief that seems to be the foundation of my ailments. There must be something wrong with me. I know it isn’t true, but it’s a weed with tenacious roots. I’ve been gradually digging them up and have stopped feeding this weed with self-blame and self-criticism.
I suspect there is a a soul agreement to clear ancestral wounding at play here as other limiting beliefs have been much more responsive to my efforts. Yet, step by step, I continue making headway.
Whatever the source of this programming, my path is simple. I slow down and pay attention to what’s happening in me and meet it with Reiki and the loving intention to heal. If I were to focus on “how” to heal subconscious belief systems or ancestral trauma, I’d likely trigger overwhelm and doubt that I could handle such complex work.
Luckily, I don’t need to know how. Reiki knows. I just need to apply it consistently and be willing to receive the benefits. It’s been quite the adventure, this healing journey of mine. It’s wild to think that it all began one day in a funky old adobe building in Santa Fe, in my first Reiki 1 class.
If you’ve read this far, I imagine that some part of my story has resonated with you. It’s likely your story has different twists and turns, and your symptoms are different than mine, but I bet you have a core limiting belief that is wreaking havoc. You might be aware of it, you might not, but you probably have a sense that something is off.
That something, my friend, is not you. There’s nothing wrong with you. Someone taught you something that isn’t true a long time ago. If you’re willing to turn and face it, it can be healed. You don’t need to know how. Reiki knows.
I can easily provide you with this healing energy. You’ll need to get sessions on a consistent basis to work through all the layers. It’s much more affordable, however, for you to learn to do it yourself. If you’re in the Philly area, I have a class coming up soon. If you’re elsewhere, let’s connect about planning a remote training.
Whether you decide to take action at this time or not, do know that you aren’t alone. It’s rare that I meet someone who isn’t affected by something similar to this. And it’s not their fault. Nor yours. Sometimes just knowing this helps to begin the healing process.
If you’ve never been told, allow me to be the first. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. And your spirit remains undamaged by any of the experiences you’ve had in this lifetime.
Luminous Heart Reiki & Massage 