I don’t know about you, but I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster the past two weeks. Much of the time I feel a deep sense of gratitude for the tools and skills that help me navigate the intensity of this global crisis. Frequently I am overwhelmed by grief for the suffering that so many people are enduring. And in between there’s an entire of array of confusing, yet equally potent, feelings.
I experience a lot of joy due to the freedom of a blank schedule. I feel frustration sometimes at being stuck in the house or not having access to the places I want to go. I feel anger when another effing jogger sneaks up from behind me and violates my personal 6′ radius. (Seriously joggers, you are not moving fast enough to escape rival contamination!) I can easily sink into a pit of despair thinking of the debt I will incur if I’m unable to work for months.
This second tier of emotions is easy to explain away by comparing my situation to others. My relentless inner critic wonders how I can be happy, sometimes even thriving, at a time when so many are sick and dying? How can I be so insensitive when others don’t have a house to be stuck in or a credit card with which to buy the food necessary to fill their bellies? What of the hospital employees who willing go to work, the epicenter of contamination without proper protection?
I’ve come to realize that yes, it is absolutely true that millions of others are suffering much, much more than I am. Yet this does not invalidate my emotional response to a very difficult situation. By denying or suppressing my own feelings, I block the flow of life-force energy in my body, putting myself at greater risk for illness and most definitely inhibiting my ability to help those in my community whom I am able to help.
So I’m allowing the full range of emotional expression to work its way through my system. Pretending not to be joyous when I am joyous doesn’t help anyone who is sick and prevents me from receiving the heart healthy rewards of exuding joy. Pretending not to be worried about my bills wreaks havoc in my digestive system when simply acknowledging that I’m worried and that I’ve already done everything in my power supports greater assimilation of nutrients and elimination of waste.
Somewhere there is a balance of accepting and experiencing my emotions and allowing them to move through me without distracting, numbing, avoiding or wallowing. I aim for that balance. Even if I never master this art, every step in the right direction is beneficial to my health and well-being. And that’s good enough for me to continue my efforts.